


The Most Serious Story In The World

by Renee



Category: Firefly
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-04
Updated: 2011-09-04
Packaged: 2017-10-23 09:56:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/249049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Renee/pseuds/Renee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mal interacts with his crew. Total crack. Total, total crack. Not to be taken seriously. Maybe a little gay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Most Serious Story In The World

The Most Serious Story In The World

By Renee and Renee's friend (who shall remain nameless. Unless, of course, the story takes off)

WARNING: Horrible writing and 3 o'clock in the morning. Please and thank you.

One morning Mal woke up and scratched his junk, which is totally what space captains do. He scratched them real good and for a good long while. When he felt his junk had finally and satisfactorily been scratched to perfection, which was some time around 2:30 (in the PM), he decided he might as well do some captaining. Letting out a large and manly belch, Mal exited his quarters and began to make his way through Serenity.

The first victim, er, person that Mal ran into was the lovely and splendiferous Inara to who he said in a semi drunken fashion, "Hey, baby, I like your style," before letting out another belch and possibly some ungodly flatulence and sauntering away. Needless to say, this did not faze her at all.

The next person Mal ran into was the diabetes inducing Kaylee. Her grin was so sugary sweet; Mal could feel his teeth rotting just from the sight of her. For fear of falling into a hyperglycemic coma, Mal fled down the hall before she could open her sweet little mouth.

At this time, Mal decided to check on his favorite shenaniganizing pilot only to find Wash and his sex-dreamably fuckable wife Zoe totally making like rabbits. You know, like RABBITS. 'Cause like rabbits like to fuck…? Get it? Anyhoo, he may have watched for a bit longer than to necessary before pretending to be shocked and appalled and hiding his elephantly large erection; great, now he was going to have to "scratch" his junk again.

After taking care of his… issue, Mal stepped back into the hall and ran into… "Oh God, it's River." He quickly looked away muttering, "don't make eye contact," only to make eye contact with the obnoxiously good looking for a doctor, Simon, who froze, like one of old world deer-in-the-headlights things his grandma used to laugh about, and muttered, "oh God, it's Mal."

Mal was so busy getting lost in Simon's extremely wide positively gorgeous hypno-sparkly eyes that almost forgot about River. That is until he felt her tap on his shoulder from behind and lean in close to whisper in his ear, "hey, baby, I like your style," and snag his ass. He fled as quickly as he could and ran head first into Jayne.

Mal was still reeling from his encounter with River and maybe a little horny from Simon's dreamy, dreamy eyes (not to mention that hot sex he witnessed earlier) so when he felt the solid form of Jayne's body he ignored the muttered, "oh God, it's Mal" and began to hump vigorously against Jayne's leg. Upon… finishing, Mal gently coughed into his hand and presented the hall to Jayne, "ahem, er, carry on." Jayne, for his part, was perhaps a little too shell shocked to do anything but stare as Mal made his exit.

Feeling pretty good about how today went, Mal retreated to his room for a quick nap; only to find Book occupying the head. "Sooo, plumbing's back up again? I'll tell Inara to get the plunger and get on that."

"Actually, Captain, I'm here to talk to you?"

"No shit? What about?"

"We haven't much time to talk, but I'd like to tell you how much of an improvement your behavior has been of late. It really is quite exemplary. You are an ideal captain."

"Aw, shucks Shepherd, I'm just doin' my job."

And with that, Mal scratched his junk one last time and collapsed on the bed; proud of a day well spent and well captained.

The End.


End file.
